I’m so angry with you my friend. I don’t even know where to begin. So I’ll start where I think that it all went bad.  I’ll remember that day for the rest of my life. It was August 29th.  I was away, on a road trip with my family and you had the audacity to text me that you missed me and made me feel bad that I wasn’t there to get dinner with you. That I was the one who was in the wrong because I went on a driving trip for 10 days with my parents.  Then to make matters worse, you texted me with some startling news. Why did you want to ruin my trip with something important? Something I had to start focusing on the minute you told me. Why couldn’t it wait to be discussed until I was home, It was only a few more days until I returned. So yes, I’m certain, that’s where we started to go bad.

I certainly didn’t tell you that I was upset at you when I returned.  It wouldn’t have changed the outcome. The next few weeks seemed regular. We shared our days, as usual, typical day to day discussions, not speaking of our text conversation while I was away.  You told me you were seeing our doctor.  Then you called me to yell.  You were so angry that the doctor, with whom I loved, wronged you.  The doctor who didn’t read your chart before she called you and broke your news in a not so professional manner. I was astounded! How could you be voicing such negative feelings for someone who was just trying to help you?  To give you the courtesy “heads up”  that something was wrong.

And that’s when it really went bad.  That’s when the next 17 months became all about YOU!

Here is best friend, in black and white, the reasons that I am mad at you.

1. You are selfish: It’s always about you.  I have to check in every day with you, to see how you are doing.  You never return the favor.  What kind of one-sided friendship do we have here?
2. You are just a roller coaster of emotions: One minute you’re up, the other you’re down. I can’t keep up.  Pick a feeling and go for it!  It may be liberating.
3. Vanity: You felt the need to have body work done,  I don’t get it.  You are beautiful as you are.  Your smile lights up a room.  Why you felt the need to shave your head and change your body is beyond me.  Can we also talk about your need to wear hats? It’s like the ladies we’d make fun of all the time who wore sunglasses indoors–take off your hat.  You shaved your head, now show the world your handy work.
4. Communication: We used to talk on the phone, we used to spend hours together just being silly. Now you’re too tired to even text.  Some of us also need a friend.  See #1
5. You left me: What did I do to deserve you abandoning me? Our friendship? The moment that life took a turn for the worse you vanished.  Did you think it would help me if you weren’t there for me? You didn’t teach me how to get through life’s everyday moments without you.

The top five things above, best friend applicant who is considering applying for the job, are things not to do.  It’s really hard work and frankly, draining to be mad at a friend.  So if we can stick to the tasks below on what I’m looking for in a new best friend, that would be appreciative.  Oh, and best friend, if you’re reading this from wherever you are, just remember what you’re giving up by leaving.

1. Someone that won’t be selfish:  Even in your worst days, you found the light.  You’d say, “I’m going to get in bed and cry and tomorrow I’ll get up and fight again.” That is something I need in a friend.  Someone that will Rise Up. To rise up to the challenges that life throws our way. To be strong. To not let one bad day define you.
2. Show your feelings: I need to be able to read you, like to know what’s in your head so you don’t even need to tell me.  I need to be able to tell you my secrets, things that I can’t tell anyone else.  You need to be able to do the same. We need to have jokes and laughter between us about those feelings.
3. Vanity: You need to be able to be yourself with me.  Not to be scared to show me your war wounds. To trust that I’ll love you with or without makeup, with one-boob, a clean house and above all, having your shit together.
4. Talk to me, talk with me, and listen to each other:  I have a ton of grand plans and I need my supportive friend to talk me down when I’m proposing something crazy or to lift me up when you see me on the brink of greatness.  To trust that at the end of the day, I’ll be there for you.  We’ll be there for each other. To just sit and have wine and talk about nothing, to speak about everything.  Judgment free zone.
5. Don’t ever leave me:  I recently lost my best friend and my world shattered into a million pieces.  I don’t know how to navigate life without her by my side and I need someone new that can show me the way.  

 I don’t know why best friend, that shitty things happen to good people, but I’m so mad at you for going away. I’m grateful for my friendship with you, but right now I am just so angry. I hope to one day rise above the tears and the sadness and to heal from how you’ve wronged me by leaving in the prime of your life.  You left a million things undone and unsaid.  It’s not like you not to try to have everything in its place, to organize chaos, to tidy things that you could control.

Don’t worry my best friend, you’re not replaceable. You had big feet and an even bigger heart. I’ll never find someone to fill your huge shoes. I can’t just walk down the street and find someone like you. I’ll never find someone to get through the teenage angst, to get through our quarter-life crisis with again. To grow together from young silly girls to young silly women. To be mother’s together and navigate raising a young child again.  I’ll never find someone that loved their partner as much as we individually love ours–since we were girls.  

My best friend, we’ve been together for 18 years or “Chai”. In Hebrew, Chai is literally translated to mean “life” and to those of us who believe in the teachings of our faith, we are guided by general principles kindness, thoughtfulness, selflessness and remaining good natured, both morally and ethically during life on Earth. My best friend, those general life principals sum you right up. It may sound cliche, but you were so kind, that even the last day I saw you alive, you told me I looked skinny.  Over the years we’ve certainly gained life’s weight and you knew what I needed to hear before you left me.    

So for now, if you’ll accept that I’m angry and upset with you for leaving me, for letting that ridiculous cancer take the best parts of you from this earth, then I’ll call off the search for a new best friend. It was silly of me to think I’d ever find someone to replace the bond that we built. It was silly of me to think I could ever replace you.

Rest peacefully my dearest friend, under the shade of a tall tall tree.  

I love you.