As I started to compose this post, the opening line rolled through my brain, topics and content of what to write flows…here were a few of my opening lines.
Shit just got real.
Today I nearly took all my anxiety and anger out on my husband.
How the fuck…
Tears are welling up and I am crying.
Today was the first day I didn’t leave the house.
This is our new normal? Yep, I ended that sentence with a question, because is it?
A few years ago a girlfriend of mine gave me a candle. It is about a three inch tall glass votive and in gold foil letters, reads, “ BABE, YOU GOT THIS.” It’s been on my nightstand ever since. I lit this candle tonight. I desperately need the reminder.
While skiing with my family, a few months ago, I fell and tore my ACL, MCL, and a bunch of other little ligaments in my knee. It wasn’t even a good fall, no yard sale to be seen. Just me toppling over in slow motion. I blame mom-brain, mom worry. I was so concerned about the safety of my son, that I wasn’t paying attention to my safety. It doesn’t take much for me to worry these days. It’s par for the course when you are a parent. Most days, I’m trapped in my little bubble, floating along without any major worries, my day to day is comfortable.
I have that same nagging feeling again with this virus, the WORRY, and it’s not about hoarding all the toilet paper. Instead it’s about keeping my son and husband healthy. It’s about keeping myself healthy, physically and mentally. It’s about what’s next? Are we going full on lock down? Are our children going back to school? How can I maintain a full time job and be a full time teacher? Have we reached the peak? What’s happening in the world? Is my family being safe, are they practicing social distancing and staying home? How long will life be like this? Are people in the world keeping a “safe” social distance? Are more and more tests coming back positive? How will I manage to wear my many hats?
I can’t ask Alexa the answer and the unknown is scary. How the fuck did we get here?
I just about lost my shit at my husband. I was on question overload. My own questions about the unknown racing through my head, on top of my son’s constant need to “ask mom” and his need to debate my every request. It’s all on mom, and I’m spinning. I took to the pen, to jot down my thoughts, surely I’m not the only one with all these worries?
I turn to take a sip of my water, the flickering candle with the reminder, BABE, YOU GOT THIS makes me smile. There is hope, in that flickering. Tomorrow is another day, to try again. To make it through, to figure out our new normal, because, WE GOT THIS!